External networking: How to get your introverted mojo on outside your organisation

It was the middle of a typically boring afternoon, in the middle of a typically boring day, in the middle of a typically boring week at work. My mobile rang. It was a headhunter who’d been chucking me a series of, frankly, uninteresting opportunities over the last year. My instinct was to hit reject but, yanno, the alternative was to do some work.

That’s how I found myself hiding in a free meeting room on the phone with Dave the headhunter. The call had just taken an interesting turn.

“Hold on you mean Sebastian’s leaving? I thought he’d never move on.”

“Nah mate, nah mate, nah mate. You’d be reporting to him. He’s looking for someone to help him out innit? He’s growing his team and he wants you.”

[As an aside, I have no idea why Dave speaks like that. He went to Charterhouse.]

“But I’ve always wanted to work there. Sebastian’s a good guy.”

“I know, yeah? And that’s like what he says as well. He reckons you’re sound and says you’re gonna be a good fit. He’s prepared to pay decent dollar as well.”

“Well, OK. Yes. I’m interested.”

“Nice one, nice one, nice one. I’ll ping you the details. Laters.”

I hung up. I’d first met Sebastian in a meeting a few years ago. Since then we’d come across each other at various conferences and seminars. We would now grab a coffee a few times a year to share industry gossip as we were in the same sector but not competitors. We’d always got on but I had never imagined working for him.

I sat back in my chair. You know what? This could work.

Four months later Sebastian shook my hand in reception as I arrived on my first day in his team.

Networking outside of your organisation

I wrote previously about networking inside your own organisation. I don’t know if any of you have tried one or two of the things that I suggested. If you did I hope that they worked for you! Even if all you did was try then CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve broken out of your shell. Feel free to think of yourself as a fully-fledged apprentice networker.

Having done that you may well now be hankering for more. You’ve got your own organisation worked out but how about the wider world?

This post is to help you to take the next step. It’s moving on to what people traditionally think of a networking: Getting to know people outside of your organisation. External networking.  This is the bit that introverts like me find hardest. But, I’ve learnt over the years that there are things that I can do that may help to either reduce the pain or even make it enjoyable.

As you saw from my wee anecdote at the start, networking has been invaluable to me. It led to one of my biggest salary jumps. In addition to helping me find new roles, my external network gave me perspective on my own work situation. I found that it’s easy to simultaneously believe that the grass is greener elsewhere and also to believe changing your current situation is impossible. An external network really helps me break out of that. It helps me to work out what is good and bad about where I’m at and also what my choices might be outside.

While networking helping to land better jobs has a clear link to financial independence it is also important to me in my quest for happiness. That external perspective has regularly helped me out when I’m feeling frustrated or stressed about work. Being able to place my woes into some kind of context is always useful but so is being able to compare myself to others and tell myself that I DO know what I’m doing.

Enough preamble. Let’s get networking for financial independence and happiness!

How we’re going to do this

There’s a fair amount of information that I’ve set out in this post. To help you find your way around I’ll kick off with my overall external networking tips. Then I’ll go onto my tips for those conferences and company-wide meetings that seem to proliferate in the modern workplace. If you want to just jump to a particular tip there is a table of contents above.

One last thing. I’m sad that we live in a world where I have to write this, but I do. When you reach out to someone take the normal precautions that you would with any stranger.  Many of the men reading this may well roll their eyes at this. Sadly, a lot of the women will know why I’ve put it in. Even though this is all about networking in a professional context there are too many people out there who don’t behave appropriately to a fellow professional. Stay safe.

OK kids. With that. Let’s boogie.

General networking tips

External networking tip 1: Phone a (work) friend

This is probably my most effective networking tool. Over the course of my career I’ve worked with lots of people. Most of them are fine but some of them I’ve got on well with. Inevitably though one of us has eventually moved jobs.

My tip is this: If I get on with someone I try to stay in touch. As an introvert, finding people I like is gold dust so I want to keep hold of them. If they’ve left an email address, after a month or so I drop them an email asking them how things are going. I also suggest meeting up for a coffee or a drink to catch up if they have some free time over the next few weeks. I’m not pushy and I don’t take it personally if they don’t respond. Everyone’s busy.

The thing is, if I genuinely get on with these people then I’ve found they almost all reach back. Maybe something about starting a new job means they appreciate the familiarity of seeing someone they know. It may take time to find a time but those coffees have been great. Now that we aren’t working together it takes a layer of formality away so we chat more openly. While we talk about all sorts of things, usually at least half of the conversation is about work-ish things. Colleagues we know, industry rumours, reliving shared war stories etc. That shouldn’t be a surprise, work’s what we have in common. I know it sounds a bit gossipy but that’s what you do when you’re with…can I say this?…a friend…

And after the first time, meeting up becomes easier and easier. That’s networking (and friendship).

External networking tip 2: Say yes

After you’ve been around a while you may well find that people start to reach out to you. It’s a great feeling when you don’t have to do all the running. The thing is there is almost always a good excuse to say no. That’s doubly true if, like me, you have introverted tendencies.  And, of course, sometimes saying no is entirely the right thing to do. But, before reaching into your toolbox of polite excuses just pause for a moment. What would happen if you said yes?

External networking tip 3: Don’t make it transactional

My next tip goes against what a lot of other guides say. Many networking guides talk about the importance of doing something for the other person before asking for something for yourself.

That doesn’t work for me at all. In fact I find the underlying premise problematic. Putting networking into transactional terms, i.e. where it’s all about what you can do for each other, isn’t what I’ve found to be a route to success. If I’m spending my time during a conversation with half my mind on when I can find something to offer I’m going to get tongue-tied. In fact I’m going to come across as an idiot. Having a conversation with someone I don’t know very well is quite enough for me to think about thanks.

What I do is just talk. I’ve been able to talk for years. I reckon I’m sound at the whole process of opening my mouth and letting words come out. If something naturally crops up, awesome. But I don’t feel any pressure to find that thing. If I’m thinking about the conversation afterwards (and see tip 9 below) and I think of something then I may also reach out. But in the first instance I just don’t give myself any additional pressure.

I’m not saying I never ask for something but I don’t make a contact thinking about closing some kind of deal.

External networking tip 4: Don’t go to networking events

The only thing that could make networking worse than it is for me is an event that is specifically designed for people to network. Now I should caveat this my saying that the last time I went to something like this was more than a decade and a half ago. So, maybe, they aren’t awful any more.

When I went to a few of these back in the day they were full of terrible people who just wanted to swap business cards and move on. I have to say that I still cringe at the memory of the look of disappointment on their faces when they realised that wasn’t important enough to talk to. Some of them would then just walk off. Others, the polite ones, would ignore everything that I was saying and look over my shoulder for someone else to talk to before then walking off.

Horrible. I soon stopped.

External networking tip 5: Do stuff you enjoy

Everyone gets hung up on the whole idea of professional networking. The idea of going to networking events (a la tip 4) or meeting people in the margins of a conference. Those are legitimate but they aren’t the whole story. If you want to get to know people go and do activities that you like.

If you enjoy singing join a choir. Want to get fitter? Take up a sport (medieval sword fighting maybe…). How about reading? There are loads of book groups around. Are board games your passion? You get where I’m going with this. What’s available will partly depend on where you live but even in the smallest towns you’ll be surprised at what’s available. You’ll also be surprised at the diversity of people that take part. I’ve sung in choirs where barristers rub shoulders with plumbers. My last book group had digital marketeers, baristas, political historians, civil servants, librarians and more. It was great. Join in and get to know people.

This is another networking thing that comes under the heading of things that are worth doing for their own sake. The majority of the people you meet will be of no professional use at all. But, even if none of them are ‘useful’, you’ll have made time to do something for yourself. Going to have a drink or a coffee with them should also be enjoyable as you all already have interest in common. Depending on what it is you can always fall back on sport, games, music or whatever.

Event networking tips

External networking tip 6: Eat and drink

My most straightforward tip in getting to know people at an event is to join the queues for something to eat and drink and then start talking to the person behind you.

Why behind you? Because they are going to have to look at you whereas getting the attention of the person in front of you is more awkward.  Also if it goes badly you can turn away and not have to look at them.

The queue mechanism means that once you get to the front of the queue if things are going badly there is a natural break to end the conversation. Equally if things are going well then you can hang back while they get their coffee/food and carry on talking.

When I say start to talk I just mean I turn, smile, and say “hi.” If they respond rather than ignore I then go with a handshake and “I’m Caveman, how are you doing?

If you again get a positive response I try one or more of these:

• “How are you finding the conference so far?”

• “What did you think about that last speaker?”

• “I thought it was interesting when x was talking about y, what did you think?”

Now some, possibly most, of you will be reading this with increasing incredulity. Who needs this information? Who needs to be told how to start a conversation?

Me, me, I do. What’s natural and obvious to the majority of the population isn’t obvious to all of us!

External networking tip 7: Ask a question

After almost every speaker in a conference there is an opportunity to ask question. In the past I was the sort of person that would have questions but was too shy to ask. My concern was that they would be too stupid, or too obvious and people would laugh. As I’ve got older I’ve realised that is unlikely to be the case. But, more importantly, people are generally polite and self-absorbed. Even if the question is ridiculous that will largely be in your head and, as long as you ask it politely, no one will care. Don’t believe me? Listen to what people ask next time you go to a conference and judge your own reaction to what they say.

From a networking perspective the advantage of asking a question is that it gives you an opening to go and talk to the speaker in the next break. You can introduce yourself by saying “Hi, I’m Caveman. I asked you that question about X. I thought it was a really interesting answer I wonder if you could expand on Y”

It’s a really natural route to having a conversation. If appropriate it also allows you close by swapping cards and suggesting that you have a follow up conversation. At worst you’ve had an interesting conversation.

External networking tip 8: Listen

OK this is a big one. You don’t need to be the life and soul of the party. Most people love talking. So to makes someone think that you’re deeply interesting you don’t have to say very much. You just have to listen.

One note on this. Good listening is a bit of an art. It’s not just about staying silent There are entire books written on this. My experience is that the key to being a good listener is to make the right noises at the right time. That may be an encouraging “mmm”, expressing empathy, inserting a short observation or asking a question at an appropriate moment. Once you’ve done that the other person is likely to be off again.

External networking tip 9: Follow up (or not)

Another obvious tip that most people don’t actually do is to follow up after they meet someone. If you say that you’ll drop someone a note, or arrange a follow up meeting or whatever then, actually do it.

But, even if you haven’t promised something specific there’s value in following up with people you may like. If, for example you find an interesting article related to something you discussed then ping them a link. It creates a connection beyond the initial discussion. Similarly, if someone reaches out to you after you’ve met then you may well want to respond in turn.

What I would very clearly say though is that you shouldn’t feel that you have to follow up after you meet someone. To reiterate what I said at the start there are people out there that you may well not want to see again. As an example, I work in a male dominated industry and I’ve seen some pretty crass behaviour towards women at conferences. People like that aren’t worth the time of day, no matter how good they may be for your career.

External networking tip 10: Use your cards

Cards have gone out of fashion somewhat but if you still have them then they can be useful. What you don’t want to do is turn into that person running around trying to collect as many cards as you can. Why would do people do that?

But, if you have had a good conversation and think that it might be worth following up then exchanging cards makes a lot of sense. What they are also useful for is jotting down one or two key points about that the conversation or person in case, like me, you aren’t very good at remembering stuff.

External networking tip 11: Don’t force it

All of that may sound pretty exhausting. To be honest it can be. So my final tip is this: Cut yourself some slack. If you go to an event or a conference and the thought of engaging with people just leaves you feeling miserable leave it. I’m here to tell you that it’s OK.

Honestly just leave it. Lose yourself in your phone, listen to the speakers and walk away at the end. It’s cool. You’ll get it next time.

Conclusion

Right that’s your lot for now. A fair amount there but hopefully you’ll see one or two things that you may want to consider.

In the next one in this occasional series on networking I’ll plan to go into how to successfully butt into other people’s conversations. I’ll also talk about how to manage those painful warm-wine-and-soggy-canape situations. This was my absolute introverts’ nightmare. But, managing to cope and even thrive in a room full of strangers is also how you move from networking journeyman to master.

To prove that I’m not some sort of networking paragon I’ll also share one of my worst ever networking experiences. But, I’ll also share my tips on how I learnt to be competent…maybe even successful in those situations.

Thoughts?

Do you think that there’s anything here that you may be able to try? Is there anything here that you’ve tried that’s worked?

Are networking events as gruesome as I remember?

What challenges have you faced when you’ve had to network?