Have I become… cheap?

I’ve been kicking around the financial independence space for a little while. You can’t do that without picking up a few things (like how if you rebrand laziness as idleness you can get away with a LOT). There are mysteries out there that you only can find out after the secret FIRE initiation. As a sign that I have now been accepted to the inner sanctum I was privileged to be have been inducted into the cult a couple of months ago. Sadly I was blindfolded for most of it, so all I can tell you is that I will never look at giraffes the same way again.

But, like any event, the best bit about it was the goody bag that I was given as I left. In amongst the cheap pens (slogan: “Always get your employers pension match: Am I WRITE?”), the little tins of mints (“You may not be MINTed…but we are”) and the 256MB USB stick (“You can SAVE with me”) was a nestled a book. I pulled it out and it was a copy of “The Super-Secret FIRE secrets that mean you NEVER have to work again” ™ by I. M. Skint (foreword by Mr Micawber).

I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

“The Super-Secret FIRE secrets that mean you NEVER have to work again” ™

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been trying to get hold of a copy of this for years. It has achieved mythical status in this community. For the one person who has never heard of this before “The Super-Secret FIRE secrets that mean you NEVER have to work again” ™ is the urtext for every FIRE book that has been written since. Written by the side of stream in rural Hampshire in 1834 it had a print run of only 67 copies.  Sold at the ridiculously cheap price of two guineas it laid out for the first time the basic rules that the FIRE community has been following ever since.

Rumour has it that the morning after I. M. Skint finished writing this book he went into his boss’s office and screamed “F.U. I’ve had enough of working for the man. I quit.” Before he then stormed out of the office.

30 seconds later he stormed back in. “And another thing. Whoever told you that a green cravat goes with purple spats was wrong”

He then left, never to return. The story goes that he spent the rest of his days in Goa where he became known as ‘Mr Geo-arbitrage’ due to his ability to turn any conversation to that, fascinating, topic.

I don’t know about you but I find that whole story profoundly moving. There’s wisdom for the ages right there.

The Secrets

Anyway, as you would expect, I’ve been eagerly devouring the secrets ever since. Most of you won’t have access to this most extraordinary of tomes. But not to worry, I’m here for you. I’m going to share those sacred mysteries.

I should be clear that this comes at considerable personal risk. The dust cover states that the penalty for sharing these secrets is that Mr Money Moustache will come to my house to give me a literal face punch.  Rude.  But, I’m prepared to take that risk because you, my readers, are worth it.

That’s more than enough pre-amble. You guys want to get to the good stuff. But, just before that, a confession.

Sadly, last night my copy of “The Super-Secret FIRE secrets that mean you NEVER have to work again” ™ was seared by fire from my pet dragon. I was trying to train her to toast cheap marshmallows ahead of the BBQ season but things went tragically wrong (if only I had realised that she suffered from hay fever). As a result only the first three secrets survived. But, something’s better than nothing right? So here are the gems Mr Skint produced in 1834:

1. Start a blog about financial independence and make sure that you stuff every page with multiple affiliate links to Bluehost from day one. After a week add in Personal Capital (if you’re in the US) or Oddsmonkey (if you’re in the UK). For extra bonus points a week after that put in affiliate links to Tailwind (but don’t worry too much ‘cos most people don’t get Pinterest anyway).
2. Crypto-currency. Ba, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
3. Spend less

Mind. Blown.

What a guy. I can’t believe that he wrote that more than a century and a half ago. They are so fresh, so actionable, so now.

Amazing.

Living the Secrets

If I’m completely honest, even after having meditated on this for the last few months, I’m not sure that I understand the first two of those secrets. When I work them our you’ll be the first to know (after my mother of course, I tell my mother everything first, she doesn’t like it when I keep secrets from her, but you’ll be first after her). But, the third one: Spend less.

Wow.

Profound.

Apparently the less I spend the quicker I’ll get to financial independence.

Crazy right?

Why does no one every write about this? I read financial independence and personal finance blogs all the time. Why has no one ever mentioned the idea that you should spend less? It’s so simple yet so powerful.

I’ve taken this to heart. I want to be financially independent. This is something that I can do.

When I do things though I do things properly. If I’m going to spend less then, by gum, I’m going to spend a lot less. As a result I’ve taken an axe to everything that I have done. No stone has been left unturned in my quest to be less spendy.

But, in the last few days a little worm of worry has wriggled its way into my mind. Have I gone too far? Have I moved from frugal to…cheap?

There. I said it. Have I become cheap?

My concern is that I have gone too far. That’s where you, my dear readers come in. I’m too close to the situation, but you can be my eyes. Here are a list of ten frugal/cheap things that I’ve done recently that my wife has cited for grounds for divorce.

Be honest. Have I become cheap?

Have I become cheap?

Saving the planet

When I went to the departmental team meeting last Thursday I got in early and took a wheelie suitcase that I filled with the pastries that had been put out before the meeting started. My boss came over from where she was practising her presentation and asked what I was doing. Through a mouthful of crumbs I explained: “Well we never get through them all anyway…you wouldn’t want them to go to waste. Do you want to save the world? Do you care about the environment? Huh? Well? Do you?”

DIY

A few weeks ago I carried out a ‘lil DIY project in the bathroom to install a vice in place of the bath (seriously who even takes baths any more?). Now I can make sure that I get Every. Last. Drop. Of toothpaste out of the tube

Efficiency

Talking of the bathroom I’ve implemented a “One for Number Ones and Two for Number Twos” rule.

Having tracked it for a month it’s clear that the guests use far too much toilet paper. To combat this I now lock away all of the toilet roll when guests come round. If anyone needs to go they just come to me and I give them an appropriate quantity of paper. To be clear they are, of course, welcome to bring their own loo roll if they wish – if they want to splurge that’s their own business.

Saving energy

During a recent unseasonable snow storm my children suggested that maybe it was time to turn on the heating. To be honest between my ear muffs and their chattering teeth it took a bit of time to work out what they were saying. Naturally I told them to just put on another skiing jacket.

Building community

One of the lovely things about the street we live on is the monthly bring and share lunch. A real coming together of community. Last month I realised that Grandma Pratt had turned up late as she was struggling to carry her home-made apple and cinnamon pie while walking along with her zimmer frame. Naturally, this month I did the neighbourly thing and offered to help her carry her things over.

Like everyone else I was shocked, shocked I tell you, when she turned up late and empty handed this month.  In my horror I almost choked on the mouthful of the delicious pie that I had turned up with 10 minutes earlier.

Sharing is caring

Like all normal people I’ve been logging on to my neighbour’s WiFi ever since we moved in. I mean, if they have their password on the back of their router then they’re essentially inviting you to copy it down when you go round right? To my disgust, on Monday they moved their router away from their window. That made the connection at the back of our house patchy at best. Naturally I stormed over the road to complain and demand they move it back. Who are these people?

Good neighbours

While we’re on the topic of neighbours, the house on the other side has been empty for a little while. It would be wrong to leave their garage unused so I’ve been using it for my personal storage – the old neighbours didn’t ask for their spare keys back when they left so that must be what they wanted.

Over the last few months the estate agent has been showing people around. Amazingly each one of those viewings has coincided with the times that I have wanted to sit in a deckchair in my front garden wearing a string vest and a dressing gown while playing loud music and taking shots at old tin cans with an air rifle. It’s a lovely house so I’ve got no idea why there have been no second viewings.

Getting to know the neighbours

My final point about neighbours. A few days ago the police came round. Turns out that the neighbours across the road had complained that I had been looking through their windows using binoculars. Easily cleared up though. I just explained that I was watching their Netflix.  Much cheaper than paying for it myself – and I even save on the electricity cost of the TV.  Double cheap ker-ching!  I did mention to the police that it would be great if they could turn on the subtitles, but apparently that’s something I should discuss with them directly.

Holidays

Instead of going on a summer holiday I sat in my living room in a deckchair for two weeks with my feet in a bowl of water and sea shells clamped to my ears. For extra authenticity I got my children to sprinkle sand into all of my clothes and in my bed. Incredible. No difference from being away.

Bargain hunting

I love Dave. He’s the best. I love him so much that I wait outside Tesco for him before he starts the late shift. Dave’s the guy that puts reduced labels on produce at the end of the day.  I follow him around with an empty trolley until he starts putting on the labels. Dave’s soooooo funny, sometimes he hides from me or pretends that he’s really upset and want me to stop following him. Oh Dave, you’re such a joker! ROFL!

Last Wednesday he hadn’t turned up at his normal time to start his shift so I went round to his house to check that he hadn’t slept in.  Wouldn’t want those reduced labels to be forgotten now would we?  Imagine my embarrassment when he poked his sleepy head out of his bedroom window to explain that it was his day off.  How we laughed when the judge handed me an exclusion order. LOL!

Over to you

That’s it.  My top ten frugal/cheap actions.  Over to you. Be brutal. Is this normal frugal behaviour or have I become cheap?

Disclaimer: Just because I know that there are some strange people out there who believe everything on the interwebs can I just make it clear that this is all made up. (Except for the dragon bit, that’s TOTALLY true). If you believed any of this you should take a long hard look at your life.  Also do you really think that you should try any of these things out? Really?

™ Totally Made-up