Big Fat FIRE Quiz Of The Year!!!

December 16, 2019 4 By Caveman

Hey you.

Yeah you chewing baccy and swigging sarsaparilla.

C’mon over here.

What kind of FIRE person are you?

You heard. What’s your FIRE personality?

Don’t know?!?!? You don’t know?!?! Hot dang kid! How can you get to your age and not know?!?!?

My goodness young ‘un it’s a good job that you bumped into me now isn’t it? Let me show you a little thing that I like to call my Big Fat…no come back here it’s not that. What I was going to say is it’s a little thing I like to call my Big Fat FIRE quiz of the year.

Pull up a stool and grab a quill. Let’s see who you really are.

 

Question 1: You’re walking down the street and hear someone shout “FIRE!”, what’s your first thought?

a) Fire?!?!? Oh no. It sounds like it may be the artisan bakery-slash-café-slash-art gallery. Has someone called a fire engine? I hope the avocados are alright.

b) Fire?!?!? Oh no. Has someone called a fire engine? I hope everyone is alright. I should go to see if there’s anything I can do.

c) Fire?!?!? Heh, heh. Cool. Like the boys on ChooseFI might say “The FIRE is spreading”. That’s like a play on words. Awesome. I bet J.L. Collins is holding a Chataqua around the corner and this is the team bonding exercise. Amazing. Not gonna lie – total man crush on that guy. Anyway is it getting warm around here or is that just me?

 

Question 2: An envelope drops on your doorstep with tickets for FinCon. What do you think?

a) Oh man, why I am still getting mail for the people who used to live here? I’ll write ‘Return to sender’ on it and pop it in the post box the next time I go out for avocado toast.

b) Oh great. Really need to book my hotels and flights for that. I wonder how many points I’ve got? That’ll help reduce the cost. Not been for a few years, it’s going to be great to catch up with everyone.

c) Oh. My. Days. I’ve been waiting for these for so long. I was so worried that my early bird application had gone wrong. Honestly though, if I don’t get to meet Josh Overmeyer this year I swear that I am going to SCREAM.

Right. Campsite a mere 73 minutes – by bike, high-five MMM – from the venue booked. Check.

Low cost flight with three changes and only one overnight stay in an airport transit lounge booked. Check.

“Business” cards for my website ordered. Check.

All sorted. Woo Hoo!. Who’s the frugal daddy? I’m the frugal daddy, that’s who. FinCon, look out I’m coming at ya. Ahem. Sorry about that. A bit over excited.

 

Question 3: You press the button to start your computer. Nothing happens except for the lights flashing in a particular pattern. What do you do?

a) Get onto Amazon using your new model iPhone and get the bestselling, top spec laptop to be delivered that afternoon. Also chuck into your basket a few other things that Amazon recommends. Marvel at how well Amazon knows you and how much you have saved on the 16 items that you’re now buying. Make the delivery address the Amazon lockers local café so that you can get avocado toast while you wait for it to arrive.

b) Get onto Google and YouTube to see if it’s something that’s fixable. Worst case the laptop is six years old and creaking a bit so it may be time for an upgrade. If this doesn’t work then everything’s backed up so it’s not a big deal. You can research the best deals over the next couple of days and order a new one.

c) Get out your toolkit. Bah! This desktop is 21 years young. Even the cathode ray tube monitor is still working. Nothing wrong with it that some more solder and duct tape can’t fix. Worst case I can reinstall the operating system. The floppy disks are in the hall drawer. I don’t know why people have moved on from Windows 3.1. It’s an awesome operating system. And don’t get me started on Office 95. How much do I love the hugely helpful, and not at all annoying Clippy? Let me count the ways!

[Editors note: If any of you reading this were born before Office 95 came out and have no idea what I’m talking about, honestly I don’t even want to know…]

 

Question 4: A colleague mentions that he has come across a blog by this guy called Mr Money Moustache and it’s kinda interesting and funny. You say:

a) “Never heard of him. What kind of name is that anyway? Show me the site.

Oh. My. Goodness. Look at that moustache and plaid shirt. He would fit right in with the loser hipsters at Hoxton. Are you going to finish that avocado toast?”

b) “Oh cool. Pretty thought provoking stuff right? I’m kinda interested in all of that myself. Let’s grab a coffee sometime and chat about it more. I’d love to get your thoughts.”

c) “I mean he’s OK I guess if you like that simple populist approach. His early stuff’s not bad I suppose but I stopped commenting on his blog in 2014 when he went mainstream. To be honest these days I only read stuff by people who are on the longlist for the Plutus international awards. Everything else is just TOO obvious.”

 

Question 5: Down the pub someone mentions the Trinity Study what is your reaction

a) Isn’t Trinity the insanely hot one in the Matrix? I would TOTALLY study her. AMIRITE? Who’s with me? Don’t leave me hanging good buddies. Ah well. I’m going to get in another round of craft ales, does anyone want some avocado toast while I’m up?

Wait. Where’s everyone going?

Oh.

I wonder why I’m single?

b) Oh yeah isn’t that the thing that justifies the 4% rule? I mean I don’t know man, I want to retire early so I’m thinking that maybe 3.5% or even 3% would be more appropriate. What do you think?

Wait. Where’s everyone going?

Oh.

I wonder why I’m single?

c) I can’t believe that people still quote that. It’s fine as far as it goes I suppose. But, I mean unless you have read the original Cooley, Hubbard and Walz, 1998 paper in the Journal of the American Association of Individual Investors, as well as their 2009 update in the Faculty Library at Trinity University in San Antonio then do you REALLY understand the caveats? Having read all of the bibliography and the academic responses to it over the decade or more since it was last updated…

Wait. Where’s everyone going?

Oh.

I wonder why I’m single?

 

Question 6: You approach a Starbucks on the high street. What do you do?

a) Go in and nod at the barista. They know you. You’re a kinda big deal around here. No need to even order. A grande matcha-tea latte with a side of avocado toast. Boom. Job done.

b) Give a small smile of satisfaction as you walk past and take a sip of single estate dark roast that you brewed before you left home and took out in your reusable cup. Cheaper, tastier and better for the environment. Boom. Job done.

c) Wait outside and accost each person as they come out with their takeaway drink. Force them to listen as you explain how not buying lattes, and instead investing that money, will allow them to retire 1.57 years earlier than they otherwise would. Don’t stop until they promise to never buy a latte again and instead invest it in a Vanguard tracker (or until the police tell you to move on. Again). Boom. Job done.

 

Question 7: Your mother gently suggests that maybe it’s time to think about buying a place of your own. You say:

a) “Already on it Mum. I’m going to be out of here in a month. Just had an offer accepted on a one bed flat. A tiny 95 minute commute each way to work. And, there’s an avocado toast café just around the corner. Got a sweet deal on a 105% tracker mortgage as well. Just 8% above their standard variable rate and they’re lending me seven times my salary. I’m on the property ladder and ready to watch those sweet, sweet house price increases roll in. Ka-ching.”

b) “Hmm. I’ve got a 15 percent deposit saved up but I’d like to get it to 20% before plunging in so I can get the best rates. It’s slow when you’re renting at the same time but I should be there by Easter. Let me do the washing up before I go.”

c) “Ha! Do I look like a fool! I’ve lived with you guys for the last 38 years and I fully intend to stay here for 38 years more. You don’t get an 87% savings rate without making some sacrifices you know? Oh, if you’re going to the kitchen I’d love another cup of tea, and don’t forget to iron my shirt, I’ve got a very important meeting with procurement tomorrow. No Mum, I can’t ‘do it myself’. I’ve got seven teenagers in Rio waiting for me to start this raid. Man alive.”

 

Question 8: Rent or Buy?

a) Buy. Duh. People will always need somewhere to live. They aren’t making land any more. Property prices are always going to go up. Renting is dead money. There’s a reason that they say ‘safe as houses’. An Englishman’s home is his castle. This is so obvious I can’t believe I’m having to explain it to you. I’m going to make some avocado toast.

b) Look I read all of the articles that argue that the straight maths suggests that it’s financially better to rent and put your money in a tracker. I totally get it. But, that doesn’t account for the emotional peace of mind that comes with knowing that you’ll always have a roof over your head. It’s tricky. I just don’t know.

c) Rent. Obviously. I pay my mum, um landlord I mean, £50 a month. Pricey I know, but I negotiated in all the bills and all of my meals so it could be worse. And, yanno, she still gives me an allowance so it all kinda works out. I just stuff the balance into a tracker. It’s pretty tough but I just make the best of it. Mum, aren’t you going to bring me some chocolate digestives with that tea? Oh and look at that shirt? I can’t go into work wearing that. Just have another go over that would you?

 

Question 9: In the supermarket you see that your favourite breakfast cereal has reduced stickers on it. What do you do?

a) Walk straight past on the way to the avocado and bread sections without a second glance. Why would I not want to buy it full price? Everyone knows that one minute after midnight on the best before date things just turn into a rotting pile of sludge. What kind of loser buys food with reduced stickers on? Not this loser!

b) Pick up a couple of boxes. This is great. Food that I’ll definitely eat at a massively reduced price. What’s not to like?

c) Look around to see if anyone else is eyeing it up. If they are then stand in front of the stack with your fists clenched and stare at them aggressively until they walk away. Buy every single reduced box. When at home construct a TV stand out of the pile of cereal boxes. Take filtered pictures and put them on Instagram #FWOTW #winning #frugal #cereal #breakfast #wisdom #alwaysbehustling

 

Question 10: You see a news article that suggests that people aged 35 should be saving £404 per month for retirement. What is your reaction?

a) £404 a month? Who are these people. No way I can save that much. Dude I spend that on avocado toast every month. #ROFLOL! I’ll be fine, my house is my pension.

b) £404 a month? That sounds about right. I mean, I save more than that, but if people start to do that from the age of 35 then at least they’re saving.

c) £404 a month? Amateurs. I laugh in your face sirrah. I save more than that into my pension every DAY. Sometimes I save that much twice a day. Just. Because. I. Can.

But you know what? If I can save that much, anyone can do it. It just takes a little self-control. I’m just an ordinary Joe. All my parents ever did for me was to send me to private school, pay for my university education, buy me a car, allow me to spend my 20s and 30s living rent free at home, sort me out an internship with Godmother Manuela’s Golden Circle law firm, get me a job at Uncle Julian’s investment bank, and give me a deposit to buy a house. As I say, I did it all myself.

 

Time to work out your score

Mostly a) – Barely smouldering

Who do you think you are? What are you even doing on my blog? Get out. Get out now. Sitting there eating avocado toast. You disgust me. Repent of your wastrel ways. You have no idea what you’re doing.

Mostly b) – Steady flame

Congratulations. You’re as normal as can be expected under the circumstances. But let’s face it that’s not actually very normal is it? I mean you’re reading this blog. I blame the parents.

Mostly c) – Crazy wildfire

Now I’m going to say this really gently but: GET A LIFE you UTTER freak. What are you playing at? Get some balance. Also, you need to start to respect your mother. Oh, and take a shower. You stink.

 

Disclaimer

Just like my other HILARIOUS posts this is not to be taken seriously. I DO however take impartiality seriously so I have been equally rude to everyone. If you’ve been offended then please feel free to go back to Snowflakes-ville. Don’t slam the door on your way out.