“Do you want an inheritance or do you want a cruise?” Can money buy happiness?
The crowd was so silent that we could hear a gull calling overhead. Tension scrawled across every face. Our final player stepped up and, without hesitation, struck. The disc slid across the deck and landed on a seven. We threw our hands up in the air.
The victorious shuffleboard player walked over to the kids. They stood their with their faces into their hands.
“And that my darling grandchildren is proof that age and cunning will always beat youth and enthusiasm.”
With which my father turned and strutted back to where my mother sat with her walking stick and a massive grin.
As I looked around at the laughing faces of three generations of my family it struck me, with surprise, that my parents had appeared to have quite literally bought happiness.
So that’s the question in today’s post. Is it true? Can money buy happiness?
“Do you want an inheritance or do you want a cruise?”
This whole enterprise had started months earlier. I had gone to visit my parents and, dinner over, we moved replete to the sofa when my dad pounced.
“Do you want an inheritance or do you want a cruise?”
“Sorry?”
“Inheritance or cruise?”
“Is that even a choice?”
“Listen. Your mother and I want to go on holiday again one last time. We want all of you to come. It’s on us.”
I sat back in my chair. My parents had had an active first part of their retirement. My dad had continued doing freelance work for years after he had officially retired. But, between that, they had gone trekking, bought a holiday flat abroad, gone on cruises. When they were back they had performed in concerts, played golf and badminton, seen friends, the whole works.
The thing is, bit by bit, they had been slowing down for a while. My dad finally conceded that it was unsafe for him to drive. The holiday flat was sold. Friends had died or become immobile. The ground floor of their house had even been converted so that they didn’t need to use the first floor.
Now, most of their days seemed to be spent going to the doctors and watching TV. My dad had said to me many times that he had had a good life and was just marking time. Upsetting as that was to hear I couldn’t really disagree.
So what was all this about a cruise?
“What do you say?” I looked at the hopeful spark in his eyes.
“Yes,” I said.
Our cruise ship wasn’t vastly different to this
Was it money that actually made us happy?
And so, months later, there we all were. Sun, sea, and sand combined with good food and good company.
But people go on holiday all the time. Why was this different?
Well in most ways it wasn’t. Going on holiday should make you happy. There are plenty of studies that show that going on holiday is good for you. According to a, definitely-not-biased-in-any-way, travel agency, the benefits of going on holiday can include time outdoors, improved fitness, quality time with family, reduced stress, laughter, sleep, improved mental health, memories and more.
I recognise a lot of that from going on holiday. That looks like increased happiness to me. Maybe the key to increased happiness is just to work harder so that we can take more holidays.
A lot of people live life that. They work, maybe rather miserably, all year so that they can go away for two weeks in the summer. I know a few people that take that further. They work for 6-9 months of the year and then use that money to travel for the rest of the time. Rinse and repeat. Even in this community there are a large number of people who say that travel is one of the few things that they won’t compromise on in their journey to financial independence.
So maybe that’s the secret sauce. Just go on holiday as much as you can. That’s how you can buy happiness.
Did we need to buy happiness?
That feels wrong though. Is going on holiday really the only route to happiness? Let’s look again at that list of benefits from a holiday: time outdoors, improved fitness, quality time with family, reduced stress, laughter, sleep, improved mental health, memories.
Actually, none of those are exclusive to going on holiday. In fact, none of those need to involve spending any money at all.
You can go for a walk with your family in the countryside near your house and you’ll get all of those benefits.
That doesn’t mean that my parents wasted their money though.
What did my parents’ money actually buy?
Did my parents buy happiness? Well I would argue that what my parents ultimately bought was time. More specifically they bought the time of me and my family.
Written that starkly it looks terrible doesn’t it? But it’s true.
We visit my parents regularly but we live a long distance apart. That means “regular” translates to once a month or so. They aren’t up to having us to stay any more so when we see then it’s an afternoon at best. It’s lovely but it’s short Also, things like going on a walk are out of the question. In fact we don’t leave their house when we visit.
We would love to have them to stay but they don’t like to sleep away from home so, even though I’ve offered to drive them, they haven’t been to visit us for years.
To be honest, if they had asked us to go on holiday with them we would have absolutely said yes. The problem would have been finding somewhere we would have been able to afford that would have allowed all three generations to spend time together. In most scenarios we would have wandered off for the day to do kid-friendly activities which means that we wouldn’t have much time together at all
By paying for a cruise that we would never have been able to afford ourselves my parents made sure that it was something that could accommodate their particular needs but would also work for the kids. It also meant that they could ask for it to be two weeks long – something that, again, we wouldn’t have been able to afford.
Their money ensured they could have as much time as they wanted with us and their grandchildren. That was what made them happy.
So did my parents buy happiness?
I had a great time on the cruise, as did my wife and kids. But that’s not really the point is it? Who isn’t going to have a great time on an amazing, free holiday?
No, there’s only really one judge of whether it was possible to buy happiness in this case and that’s my parents. So, in a circumspect way, I asked them. This is what they said.
“Your mother and I are old. We’ll never do anything like this again.
“We have more money than we can spend before we die. I can’t tell you how much pleasure I have got just from hearing those kids laughing together.
“Money can’t buy that.”
Well. Maybe it can.
To be clear we look NOTHING like them!
Conclusion
Looking back, I ask myself whether I should have answered differently. The holiday wouldn’t have happened if I had equivocated over my answer. My parents are in their 80s. They’re of an age and infirmity where they aren’t capable of making something like this happen. I had to do all of the research, negotiation and admin for this (not that I was complaining…I did benefit rather a lot…).
What if I had demurred though? Looking at it coldly, the cost of this holiday would have covered our living expenses for four months so we could have FIREd sooner. Is any two-week holiday worth working for another four months?
For me the answer is unhesitatingly yes.
This was the last time that we are going to do anything like this. My parents wanted to create one last set of memories and they did it. My children will never forget it and neither will I. Most importantly neither will my parents.
When I eventually lose my parents, as is inevitable, those photos will remind us of a time we had together when my parents still, just, were able to move without much assistance. A time when they still had all of their mental faculties. A time when we were all together. A time when we laughed.
At that point these memories are going to become even more precious. And, in the final analysis, maybe that will be the bittersweet happiness that my parents bought.
End note on cruises
Going on a cruise is bad for the planet. Regardless of what you do in terms of carbon offsetting or trying to limit your own waste there’s no hiding from its environmental impact.
I’m also not sure how much cruises really add to the local economy. People who visit and spend proper time in each place spend money on hotels, in local shops and local restaurants. By comparison cruise visitors dip in monopolise the place for a few hours and then disappear. Yes, they may buy a few drinks or ice creams and even a few souvenirs but it doesn’t feel like much.
I try to tread softly on the planet so I had to think hard before going ahead with this. In the end the one thing that swung it was that if we were all going to go away together then this then this was the best, possibly only, option.
The memories that were created mean that I can’t bring myself to regret going despite these negative impacts. Nonetheless, I made my choice and so I’ll own it.
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Another excellent post, Caveman.
I think it’s interesting how the question “inheritance or cruise” is framed, and how your answer might have differed based on the circumstances. What if your parents had given you that money, and then a few months later asked for the cruise? The end result is the same, but in that instance you would be using “your” money, rather than theirs!
Regardless, I think you’ve illustrated several points very well. Firstly, money may not always buy happiness, but it certainly helps! And secondly, money by itself can only get you so far. You need to decide on what you value in life, and then make sure you make efforts to get the most of it. As you say, those memories of your family in those moments will be worth far more than a few months extra salary!
You are SO right on the framing point. It would have felt very different if may parents had done it the way that you describe.
Ultimately I suppose that money is only a tool. Like any other tool it has the ability to make you happy when you use it. A snow shovel won’t spark joy of itself, but if I have it in my boot when I’m stuck in a snow drift I’m sure that it will make me very happy!
Such lovely memories your family have created. Worth every penny.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer in this, but as a parent I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if my children’s response was: “inheritance to grow the family’s wealth.” Only for them follow up by repeating my own lecture to them about compound interest.
I’d be proud to have brought up financially competent children.
BUT,
If that were to happen, then clearly I’ve gone wrong somewhere. Perhaps all this FI talk has unconsciously moulded their values to a point where preservation and generation of money is top of their priority.
I would be sad if that happened but I don’t think it would be wrong. I’d most likely reflect on how I could have taught them differently.
There you go. An impromptu mini thought experiment thanks to your post.
I am now even more conscious of how I bring up our kids around all things FI related. .
That point about raising kids with the right values really resonates with me. I want my kids to know both how easy and how hard it is to earn money. I also want them to think of money as being exactly as important as it is (if that makes sense) and to treat it with respect. Finally I want them to know what it can and can’t give them, I also want them to know that there are many more important things in life.
I haven’t spoken to them about FI but I will as they get older. In fact I want to encourage them to start to earn money online when they are in their teens so they start life with the idea of having a side hustle (which could become a main hustle). We’ll see how I get on!
I love how your dad framed it! My mom is hoping to leave me money, and I’m hoping she spends it all on herself and any travel she wants to do. She’s still pretty spry for 60, so I think she’s got plenty of years left to travel around — inasmuch as she wants to leave her sweetie, they’re nuts about each other — and enjoy herself. That said, she lives pretty frugally out of habit, not out of deprivation, so I imagine something will be left. As long as I know that she’s made memories with the money she did spend, I guess I won’t mind as much if I do inherit anything. But the point is, I want her to have what your parents had: the freedom to enjoy the money she worked (and is still working) hard to save. Though I’m happy to report that she is working a lot less these days, opting to spend more time with family and friends and live on less, so she’s not entirely postponing life until retirement. And hey maybe I’ll take a page out of your parents’ book and have she and I go on a trip together. I’ve been wanting to go back to London for a while (I just have to figure out how to afford it, since I have zero paid time off as a contractor), so maybe we’ll plan an expedition together!
Yeah, he has a way with words my dad! My parents are definitely frugal, I think that having hit their 80s they have realised that they can spend some of it and still have more than enough for themselves. I’m delighted that they are spending some of it now – like you that’s what I want for them, I can look after myself!
I think that inheritance is a very very funny thing.
For the first time in human history there is a generation of people reaching the end of their lives eith inheritances larger than possibly the entire career earnings of their children.
It’s an intergenerational lottery.
Of course spending it now is better than having a big funeral.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I won’t be doing the same. Big ectended family means inheritance will not be much and my mum hates the very idea of a cruise!
Yes we are the first generation where children are likely to be less wealthy than their parents. It does appear that for a large slug of the population whether they get an inheritance or not will determine the financial outcome of their lives.
We had a great time, but not everyone will enjoy a cruise. If, like your mum, people have any doubts then I can understand why they wouldn’t want to do it!
Thanks for this post, Cavement! What a great article.
Many FIRE enthusiasts might have considered a cruise frivolous spending which is harmful to achieving financial freedom. Your perspective is very refreshing and underlines that not only money is required but memorable moments with your loved ones are just as important. If those FIRE enthusiasts challenged us, they might still ask if it must be really a cruise of a trip to the countryside with some hiking would have done the same magic.
All the best
Lukas – author of myfinancialfreedom.blog
Oh it’s definitely the wrong thing to do from a financial perspective! But, as you rightly say, that’s not the point at all. I do wonder if I would have felt differently if I had been struggling with debt.
My parent’s age meant that a cruise was pretty much the only option for us. But I completely accept the point that a walk in the countryside could have got us to a very similar place!
I’m not ashamed to admit I was tearing up reading some of that, Caveman! A lovely emotional post and I agree with your analysis that the cruise was the right answer every time in this particular situation.
We will all end up losing our basic abilities that we take for granted one day and so must spend our money creating a life worth living and remembering before that happens.
All the best.
Thanks TFS. Glad it struck a chord!
It’s hard watching your parents slow down. I know that I’m hugely lucky to still have them around at all. That’s why, even though now the cruise is drifting into the past, I’m as convinced as ever that it was the right thing to do.
Nice article
thanks for sharing
Hi Caveman
Great post – ‘inheritance or cruise’, what a question! Thanks for sharing such great memories – in the same position, I would take the cruise any day.
My own folks retired early and have been living a great life ever since and it heartens me to see that they do not want for anything – eat out all the time, great social life, lots of holidays. My plans would not be affected if I didn’t receive a penny in inheritance so I hope they continue to spend and enjoy their own money.
My parents certainly did a lot when they were in the first part of their retirement. That all just slowed down over the last few years. I’m just delighted that they gathered up the energy to do it again now. I’m like you in that I’m not actually factoring an inheritance into my plan. I would love it if my parents just spent it on themselves.
I’m at a point where I could pretty comfortably support my life – excluding travel and eating out. But I haven’t felt that it’s enough. I’ve felt that FIRE needs to be fatter. At least my current level of spending. But you’re right – we earn like hell and then splurge on a few vacations a year. I do that. I don’t need to, I think. Why would I?
Instead, best to focus on the things you mention: enjoying friends and family, mental and physical health, outdoors. You don’t need to go far to enjoy those.
But, I do live in Finland. Our ‘outdoors’ are a bit less hospitable most of the year.
The thing about FIRE is that level is entirely personal. The difference in what Jacob at Early Retirement Extreme and Sam at Financial Samurai spend is huge – but it’s what’s right for each of them. So, I think that whatever level you set for your own FIRE number is going to be right for you as well.
The thing about those simple things that I mention is that I have to keep reminding myself of them as well. They are simultaneously the most important things and some of the easiest to forget…
By identifying where I spent money then linking it my feelings at the time has shifted my perspective from seeking happiness to one of wholeness.
Wholeness simply means complete, lacking nothing, entire, undivided and uninjured. It evolves, gives and is regenerative. Wholeness “becomes” rather than “strives” and by default it naturally purges itself from impurities, through ones thoughts and actions.
In the past my pursuit for happiness was a roller coaster of emotions that left me exhausted, burnt out and depressed.
Today I am inspired to exercise daily because it make me feel more whole.
Very interesting Peter. I had not thought about it in terms of wholeness rather than happiness (although I have thought about it in terms of contentment rather than happiness).
I can think of a lot of things that would help lead to wholeness in the way that you describe. As you say, exercise is one, but I could imagine time in nature, or with loved ones, or making music or art, could also help towards that.
I also switched to aiming for contentment rather than happiness. Happiness, by it’s very nature, is fleeting and constantly chasing it, I found, was exhausting and too much pressure. I often felt I had somehow failed. When I reframed my thinking around contentment it was easier as that is a state of being. Some may say it’s semantics but I really found it helped. I am content with bouts of happiness thrown in.
Great post. I wish I could convince my parents to holiday with us again. We had a great time in France together a few years back and we still enjoy the memories. Sadly, my mum doesn’t want to do it again as she’s a nervous traveller.
I also switched to aiming for contentment rather than happiness. Happiness, by it’s very nature, is fleeting and constantly chasing it, I found, was exhausting and too much pressure. I often felt I had somehow failed. When I reframed my thinking around contentment it was easier as that is a state of being. Some may say it’s semantics but I really found it helped. I am content with bouts of happiness thrown in.
Great post. I wish I could convince my parents to holiday with us again. We had a great time in France together a few years back and we still enjoy the memories. Sadly, my mum doesn’t want to do it again as she’s a nervous traveller.